Have You Seen My Childhood?

Enjoying a beautiful day at a local NYC neighborhood park with my nephews, I decided to log on to my twitter account (via blackberry) to inform my followers of what I was doing. It was then when I seen an update posted by Perez Hilton stating that Micheal Jackson had a massive heart attack. I immediately, without a second thought text messaged my God- sister (a devoted MJ fan) the information I had just read. Not long after, I checked twitter again to see if anyone else had information on the status of Micheal Jackson. Not getting the information I was looking for, I rushed my nephews back into the house to watch the news. When I got to the house, I logged on to my twitter account from a laptop and watched the news hoping for the best. For the 1st hour, twitter (as well as the media) went back and forth between death and coma, until finally they announced on June 25th, 2009 Micheal Jackson was gone...

All the air left from my body as I heard my God- sister crying in agony. Tears began to form in my eyes, but I tried my hardest to contain myself because my nephews are only three and four years old, and I didnt think that they would understand. They asked me why their mom was so sad, and I responded, "... because Micheal Jackson is in Heaven now". The eldest of the two said, "is he in Heaven with Great- Grandma?". I said, "yes baby, he is with Great- Grandma". And with the wit that only children his age have he responded, "then mommy shouldnt cry because he's happy now... no more pain". I agreed. No more pain.

I would like everyone to understand why the lost of Micheal Jackson touched my heart. It stretches beyond the music... I felt as if I have lost my childhood. Granted I was born in 1986 (by then he had already had success with the Jackson Five, as well as two smash solo albums) I still grew up listening to his music. My Father was a huge Micheal Jackson fan. During his lifetime he prided himself on owning vinyl copies of Off the Wall and Thriller. My mother even joked that I was conceived while "Lady in my Life" played in the background. (i know... TMI).

My father had taped the Motown 25 special and owned Moonwalker. I have probably watched the Moonwalker tape over 1000 times! By the time I was four I knew the entire first three albums (with the help of my God- sister, who still owns every MJ button and poster she made in her pre-teen years). My God- sister introduced me to songs like "PYT" and her all time favorite "Baby Be Mine". When she and her sisters had to babysit my cousins and I, they used to turn off all the lights and play just the end of "thriller" to scare us straight when we didnt listen (cruel). As we grew older my cousins and I would have karaoke nights and perform all Micheal Jackson songs.

By the time I was 5 yrs old, the "Remember the Time" video had premiered and I had my father tape it so that I knew every step. I was determined to become a dancer if it killed me. I was intrigued at a young age by the performances (ie. Dirty Diana live). When "Keep it in the closet" came out, I decided right then and there that I loved Micheal Jackson. That video had both my idols (at the time) in it and to this day remains one of my most beloved videos. When I was old enough to realize that Micheal and Janet Jackson were related, it was no turning back... I was IN love.

For my 8th birthday my father purchased a portable CD player. The first two CD's I recieved were TLC's "CrazySexyCool" and Micheal Jackson's "History". Those Cd's were my theme music as I rollerbladed all over Brooklyn with my dad on the days that he did not have to go to dialysis. I was probably the only child at that age who had "The Girl is Mine" on repeat. My devotion for Micheal wasnt really an obsession (unlike my God- sister), but more of admiration because even at such a young age, I felt the impact of his music. I felt it in me.

I was to young to connect scandal to the man and I must admit that I truly never payed any attention to the face or skin changes until I was old enough to realize that his face and skin did indeed change. I only heard the music. I consider me being that naive a blessing because it allowed me to enjoy the music. Over the years, as I got older and the scandals got bigger I fought on his behalf, never allowing anyone to say things like, "from a black man to a white woman" or "wacko jacko" or "child molester". Micheal was as good as family in my eyes and I only wanted to see the good.

I remember the first songs that my cousin's twins, as well as my God- sister's kids, learned were Micheal Jackson songs. (the twins: "You rock my world", my nephews: "Dont stop til you get enough"). The first dance that I cheoreographed was to "Invincible" from the "Invicible" album. My dance teacher even allowed me, along with two other girls, to perform it at my high school spring recital. Now it wasnt the best dance ever, but it was mine and it was to Micheal's music.

Now I can go on and on for days and days about Micheal Jackson memories, but Micheal means alot to me because he meant alot to my dad. My father passed away in 2001, and honoring Micheal, to me, is just another way to honor my father.

Although I try to avoid the negativity surrounding the loss of Micheal Jackson, I often find myself becoming an advocate for MJ. I just would like you all to know that I understand that Micheal Jackson does not mean alot to some people, but for the rest of us, espeacially the Jackson family, he is forever embedded in our hearts. And although he is not family to me, he has been there through every phase of my childhood with a soundtrack to each phase of my life.

Just allow Micheal Jackson to truly rest in peace... "gone to soon".

Sailing On

I should warn you reader that there is no real outline for what I am about to say. For the past couple of weeks my mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts.

I'm 22 years old (soon to be 23) and I have no idea what that means. I know that I am way beyond that "not a girl, not yet a woman" phase in life, but I am truly debating if I am a woman now.

What (besides the obvious) would make me a woman? Is it to ambixous to try and become a woman at my age? Should I let it naturally evolve?

I graduated high school 5 years ago. Not to sound as if I am hitting my midlife crisis (I understand that I am far from that), but in 5 years what have I accomplished?? And for the next 5 years, what would I like to accomplish?

Currently, I find myself unhappy. Not unhappy with myself, but just unhappy. I started reading books and taking to heart spiritual quotes and passages that I feel are talking directly to me. But I stopped because the pressure of living up to what is written scares me. It's one thing to read a spiritual quote or passage, but it's another thing to live up to it's words.

Some people make growing up look so easy, but I'm having a difficult time with it. Responsibility sucks! And I was ill equiped to deal with it. I was spoiled all my life and one day that well ran dry.

I often try not to feel sorry for myself, but bottling in these conflicting thoughts and feelings saddens me. Don't get me wrong, I am far from depressed! I have a wonderful large family and great friends, but those things are not as fulfilling as one would expect them to be.
I feel like there is a void in my life and I don't know exactly where to begin to fill it up. But it is a feeling I can't shake.

I am sharing these feelings because I want reassurance that I am not the only one who is feeling or has felt this way at some point. Also, I would like some suggestions from those of you who understand. How did you get through this? Is this feeling of wanting more ever defeatable? Or when we get everything that we ever wanted do we still crave more?

But, as my mother's child, I am determined to get through whatever it is I am going through. If I am nothing else I am strong and I will sail on and trust that the Lord leads me in the right direction for the right destination.

"Though you may limp or be bent double, do not abandon your search, but drag yourself towards it." -Sufism