Are You Setting Yourself Up For Failure??...

Last night I watched "What Chilli Wants" on VH1. It is a new show on a long list of "celebreality" shows that focuses on former TLC group member Rozanda "Chilli" Thomas trying to find love. It appears to be different from all the previous celeb dating shows where the celeb chooses a mate from a group of 12 randomly selected participants. (I'm only assuming that the participants are randomly selected because my mind can't grasp the fact that the participants fit any kind of criteria beyond being "cute"... if that). In Chilli's new show, she searches for love with the help of a match maker, advice columist Tionna Smalls.

My initial thoughts before watching the show were "damn, if Chilli can't get a man is there any hope for us?". After watching the show, I realized just why she is alone... She is too damn picky! Now I am all for having standards when it comes to choosing who you want to give your heart to, but there is a thin line between having standards and being completely delusional. Chilli has composed a list of what she would like in a man. The list was so long it couldve been written on a scroll. She wants to find a man who is well endowed, with a six pack (but will settle for a 4 pack), doesn't eat pork, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, God fearing, good with kids, can have kids but with no more than two baby mommas... there is more to that list, but my fingers are starting to cramp. None of these standards are unreasonable, but to find them all in one person is.

So I started thinking about it... why are her standards so unreasonable? Are my standards just as seemingly ridiculous?

I think the problem lies in having such specific standards. I am not saying that people shouldn't have standards, but when you enter any relationship with a check off list it detours you from seeing the good qualities in people outside of your list.

Chilli explains why she is so specific by saying she has settled in the past and was left heartbroken. When it comes to relationships, I think standards should be generalized (ie.similar interest). I also refuse to make specific standards that will leave me just as unfulfilled in a relationship as I would be if I settled. No one is perfect...

I think the key to being happy or satisfied in a relationship is give or take. Since no one is perfect, you and your mate should be allotted enough room to make mistakes without fear. (Not too many mistakes though). You don't want someone pretending to be something that they are not out of fear of losing you.

After watching Chilli's show, i re- evaluted my list (which by the way is no where near as long as hers). Im still content with being single for right now, but if ever I decide that I am truly ready and willing to engage in a relationship, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't setting myself up for failure. We should all re- evaluate our standards and then ask ourselves this question:

"Am I setting myself up for failure?"


*Editor's note: when I first wrote this blog, I made it a one sided conversation. I quickly edited it because I know there are some men who are just as unrealistic when it comes to dating... A lot of us look for a perfect mate when we, ourselves are far from being a perfect mate for others. Setting high standards, to me, is just away to control a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, not dictatorships.  I am not encouraging anyone to just date anybody, I'm encouraging leaving the door open for possibilities as opposed to shutting it closed at strike one. Honestly, now- a- days dating is just a big ole mess. I believe dating is this way because people place to much emphasis on standards. Have fun & let the chips fall where they may...

A woman... Phenomenally (In Recognition of National Poetry Month)

I remember I was eight years old the first time I saw "Poetic Justice" (a movie starring Janet Jackson and Tupac Shakur). In the movie Janet Jackson plays a girl name Justice who deals with all pain and emotions through words. Words are her escape in a world of chaos and confusion, trails and tribulations. Throughout the movie she recites poems. One poem in particular stood out from the rest. That poem was "Phenomenal Women". At the age of eight, I was able to some what relate to the essence of the poem. The poem calls out the "criteria" for beauty and expresses that not fitting that "criteria" doesn't make you any less of a woman. It forces you to see how superficial the world is, and makes you want to embrace who you are despite of it. "Phenomenal Women" has played such a strong role in my life. I have the poem printed out and hung up on my wall as a daily reminder that I don't need any justification from the masses. I am happy to be who I am. I exude confidence and am unapologetic for it.

Not to long after watching the movie I found out that Justice didn't write any of the poems she recited (ignorance of youth... don't judge me!). It was in fact Maya Angelou who wrote it, as well as the other poems in the movie. This was my first introduction to Ms. Angelou and there was no turning back.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

© Maya Angelou 1994

Editors Note: I wanted to post this poem, mainly because it is National Poetry Month and because this poem has truly become an inspiration for me. Not solely because of it's meaning, but because this poem has started me on my journey with a pen & a pad. This poem is why I write. I, at the age of 8, was amazed at what words could do... how you could be able to say a lot without really saying anything at all. Words could ignite passion, anger, joy and pain all within the same sentence (if done correctly). I would like to encourage all of you to READ some poetry this month. Who knows, you might become inspired!  

Thats not the Tee hunnii!!!! (rant)

Woke up to a beautiful morning. The Sun was peeking through the blinds begging to get in and be seen, so I obliged. Cracked the window and felt the gentle breeze. Whispered a "Thank You". Started my morning. Separated colors from the whites while the mellow sounds of neo soul played in the background. My morning: so far, so good... and then...

A friend of mine sent me a link and titled it "WTF?". Of course I wanted to see what it was all about so I opened it. It was a video segment of a chicago news program. Apparently in the last 50 hours (between March 31st and April 2nd) 40 people have been shot, 4 people died. One of the shootings happened two blocks away from where the Commissioner and the Superintendent of the Chicago police department were holding a press conference addressing the previous shootings.

 Chicago's abc7 news clip on 40 shootings in 50 hours

As I am watching the video, all I can think is "Why?". Now I'm questioning if the why matters? We can go on for days torturing ourselves trying to figure out the cause. When I hear about things like this I get upset.  I often hear about incidents like this. There are MANY people who do not have any idea that this is what's happening because they aren't interested or distracted by nonsense. They're getting "razzle dazzled"" *in my Billy Flint voice*.

This behavior isn't justified by any means! It's wrong! This isn't the wild wild west and ain't none of ya'll  John Wayne. You can't just walk around shooting mass amounts of people. I don't care if it is about retaliation... 40 people have gotten shot. That is ridiculous. Your cable subscription should be terminated because you've been watching too many repeats of "Scarface".

And what upsets me more is the fact that I'm reading comments like "Gangster Shit". Hand- clap for the assholes who think that this behavior is okay. It's non productive.

 Be Aware!!!!!

And now back to my beautiful morning...

Oh yeah, Happy Easter Everyone! *MuAH*