Can't Help But Wonder...

It's funny how time changes situations...

When I was younger, there was a boy (who I will refer to as HE) that I was deeply infatuated with. HE was my cousin's best friend. From the first time I saw HE, I liked him. HE was different, carrying himself in a bubble of self- confidence. HE was twelve and I was in love. Unfortuately for me, HE didn't at all feel the same way. I, at times, felt that HE went out of his way to make sure that I knew that.

I used to conveniently end up at my cousin's house everytime I knew that HE was visiting from New York. Still, HE paid me no attention. My cousin and HE used to tease, and terrorize me constantly. Yet, I always wanted to be around them. I was somewhat fascinated by their personalities. It also fascinated me that at 11 and 12 years old, they were already having sex. I was a "good girl" then, so having sex was completely out of the question (not 2 mention we were 12 years old!). Knowing that this crush was probably heading no where, I got over it. Quickly.

Fast forward four years, still the same or similar treatment from HE. By this time I could've cared less because I made up my mind that him and I weren't meant to be. We would see eachother everytime he came to visit, but had minimal to none contact or conversation. Then one night, at another cousin's graduation party, me and HE ended up being the only ones in the basement and HE kissed me completely out of the blue. My best friend was coming down stairs, so me and HE hid in the closet... one thing led to another... and...

I always ponder about that night, because everything happened so fast and I didn't even like him. I did feel comfortable with him, but I think a part of me wanted to know why. Why did it only take a smile? Why were so many girls on him? More years passed in which we probably had one more encounter, but things between us didn't stretch past the status quo. We went back to seeing eachother here and there. I graduated and went to college. HE went back to New York and my cousin was in his senior year of High School. That made the visits go from being frequent to far and few and eventually non- existant.

Out of the blue, HE called me while I was away at school and told me that he was expecting a child and was engaged. "What... you???", was my initial response. I didnt believe it. For as long as I could remember my cousin and HE had crazy encounters with females. Alot of females!!!! ( I know because I was there). Now HE decides that he has ran through so many, that settling down is the next and best decision. Someone forgot to tell his girl that because none of that happened. HE end up having to deal with alot of shit. Custody battles. Orders of Protection. Jail.

Moving back to New York, HE became a frequent contact just because I knew him. Slowly, but surely I became the "ear" for all his problems to be heard. I commended him on being and making certain that he is there for his child. At the same time, I kept my distance. Another year of no contact and then I stumbled across his number about three weeks ago. I called and HE just happen to be with his son and invited me to spend the day with them.

I must admit that I never once took him seriously. Once I convinced myself that I didnt like HE, I also convinced myself that he was a jackass. It made it easier. But spending that day with HE and his son made me realize that I don't know HE at all. It was sweet and cute. That was also the first time we spoke... really spoke. Even after HE dropped his son off, we spoke.

We spoke about our past together and seperately. We told stories and laughed and laughed. We even tried to put a title on our "relationship" (which is still in question). Recently, I have moved and since the first day that i've moved HE has been here. Sometimes even three times a day. Weird, right? And when I tell my closet friends (even my cousin) about HE, they all tell me that it is probably meant to be.

I am convinced that HE and I are just FRIENDS. It has taken alot for us to even get this far. At times it is strange because it is new, but the more I learn about him, the more I appreciate him for who he is. But I doubt that it'll be anything past a friendship.

But apart of me can't help but wonder...