Are You Setting Yourself Up For Failure??...

Last night I watched "What Chilli Wants" on VH1. It is a new show on a long list of "celebreality" shows that focuses on former TLC group member Rozanda "Chilli" Thomas trying to find love. It appears to be different from all the previous celeb dating shows where the celeb chooses a mate from a group of 12 randomly selected participants. (I'm only assuming that the participants are randomly selected because my mind can't grasp the fact that the participants fit any kind of criteria beyond being "cute"... if that). In Chilli's new show, she searches for love with the help of a match maker, advice columist Tionna Smalls.

My initial thoughts before watching the show were "damn, if Chilli can't get a man is there any hope for us?". After watching the show, I realized just why she is alone... She is too damn picky! Now I am all for having standards when it comes to choosing who you want to give your heart to, but there is a thin line between having standards and being completely delusional. Chilli has composed a list of what she would like in a man. The list was so long it couldve been written on a scroll. She wants to find a man who is well endowed, with a six pack (but will settle for a 4 pack), doesn't eat pork, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, God fearing, good with kids, can have kids but with no more than two baby mommas... there is more to that list, but my fingers are starting to cramp. None of these standards are unreasonable, but to find them all in one person is.

So I started thinking about it... why are her standards so unreasonable? Are my standards just as seemingly ridiculous?

I think the problem lies in having such specific standards. I am not saying that people shouldn't have standards, but when you enter any relationship with a check off list it detours you from seeing the good qualities in people outside of your list.

Chilli explains why she is so specific by saying she has settled in the past and was left heartbroken. When it comes to relationships, I think standards should be generalized (ie.similar interest). I also refuse to make specific standards that will leave me just as unfulfilled in a relationship as I would be if I settled. No one is perfect...

I think the key to being happy or satisfied in a relationship is give or take. Since no one is perfect, you and your mate should be allotted enough room to make mistakes without fear. (Not too many mistakes though). You don't want someone pretending to be something that they are not out of fear of losing you.

After watching Chilli's show, i re- evaluted my list (which by the way is no where near as long as hers). Im still content with being single for right now, but if ever I decide that I am truly ready and willing to engage in a relationship, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't setting myself up for failure. We should all re- evaluate our standards and then ask ourselves this question:

"Am I setting myself up for failure?"


*Editor's note: when I first wrote this blog, I made it a one sided conversation. I quickly edited it because I know there are some men who are just as unrealistic when it comes to dating... A lot of us look for a perfect mate when we, ourselves are far from being a perfect mate for others. Setting high standards, to me, is just away to control a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, not dictatorships.  I am not encouraging anyone to just date anybody, I'm encouraging leaving the door open for possibilities as opposed to shutting it closed at strike one. Honestly, now- a- days dating is just a big ole mess. I believe dating is this way because people place to much emphasis on standards. Have fun & let the chips fall where they may...