My Top Albums of 2009 & the Decade!!!

I love music. My radio is my bestfriend. It comforts me. It makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It makes me dance the pain away! A lot of music has been released this year. Some good. Some bad. Some ill. Some ewww. Here are a few of my faves broken down by genres. Keep in mind these are the albums that I like listed in numerical order by the amount of rotation it gets in my itunes. Enjoy! You might agree with me and I might've even put you on to some new shit!



My "other shyt" faves of 2009


1. Dirty Projectors- Bitte Orca

2. Grizzly Bear- Veckatimest

3. Peaches- I feel cream

4. Amanda Blank- I Love You

5. Pink- Funhouse

*Black- Eyed Peas' "The E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies)" gets honorable mention*


My fave Mixtapes of 2009

1. Trey Songz- anticipation

2. 50 cent- forever king

3. Lil Wayne- no ceilings

4. Drake- so far gone

5. Nicki Minaj- beam me up scotty

6.Oceans 7- 3000 and 9 shit

7. The Cool Kids- gone fishing

8. Wale- back to the feature




My fave R&B albums of 2009

1. Maxwell- a blacksummer's night

2. Alicia Keys- the element of freedom

3. Melanie Fiona- the bridge

4. Dream- love vs. money

5. Ledisi- turn me loose

6.  Day 26- forever and a day

7. Chrissette Michelle- epiphany

8. Trey Songz- ready

9. Keyshia Cole- a different me

10. Mario- DNA

*Whitney Houston's "I look to you" gets honarable mention*


My fave rap albums of 2009

1. Jay- Z- the blueprint 3

2. Slaughterhouse- slaughterhouse

3. Fabolous- loso's way

4. Mos Def- the estatic

5. Raekwon- only built 4 Cuban linx 2

6. Clipse- 'til the casket drops

7. Kid Cudi- man on the moon

8. Jay Electronica- Exhibit C

9. Jadakiss- the last kiss

10. Wale- attention deficit

*Eminem's "Relapse" gets honarable mention*





My fave albums of the decade
(albums that I still love to play as if it was released just yesterday in no particular order)

*Sol- Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams- Solange

*Confessions- Usher

*Trey Day- Trey Songz

*Full Moon- Brandy

*Good Girl Gone Bad (reloaded)- Rihanna

*8701- Usher

*Just Like You- Keyshia Cole

*Aaliyah- Aaliyah

*Diary of Alicia Keys- Alicia Keys

*Dangerously in Love- Beyonce

*The Becoming- Beanie Sigel

*B'day- Beyonce

*Destiny Fulfilled- Destiny's Child

*Britney- Britney

*Blackout- Britney

*Purple Haze- Cam'ron

*Exclusive- Chris Brown

*Lord Willin'- Clipse

*Stripped- Christina Aguilera

*Be- Common

*Welcome to the Dollhouse- Danity Kane

*Mama's Gun- Erykah Badu

*From nothin' to somethin'- Fabolous

*Ghetto Fabolous- Fabolous

*From under the cork tree- Fall Out Boy

*Broken Silence- Foxy Brown

*Floetic- Floetry

*Philadelphia Freeway- Freeway

*American Gangster- Jay- Z

*The Blueprint- Jay- Z

*The Black Album- Jay- Z

*Futuresex/ Lovesounds- Justin Timberlake

*Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol. 1- Jill Scott

*Late Registration- Kanye West

*Graduation- Kanye West

*Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson

*Kina- Kina

*Get Lifted- John Legend

*The Naked Truth- Lil' Kim

*The Carter- Lil' Wayne

*The Carter 2- Lil' Wayne

*The Carter 3- Lil' Wayne

*The Emancipation of Mimi- Mariah Carey

*Invincible- Micheal Jackson

*Now- Maxwell

*Fear of Flying- Mya

*Fly or Die- N.E.R.D

*Stillmatic- Nas

*In My Own Words- NE- YO

*Because of You- NE- YO

*I am... Sasha Fierce- Beyonce

*College Dropout- Kanye West

*TP.com- R. Kelly

*Return of Saturn- No Doubt

*Speakerboxx/ The Love Below- OutKast

*The Chocolate Factory- R. Kelly

*Missundaztood- Pink

*Get Rich or Die Tryin'- 50 cent

*Paper Trail- T.I

*Metropolis: The Chase Suite- Janelle Monae

*The All- American Rejects- The All- American Rejects

*Dirty Little Secret- The All- American Rejects

*Boys Like Girls- Boys Like Girls

*Trap Muzik- T.I

*Nas- Nas

*******HAPPY NEW YEAR*******

R.I.P. (2009)


*Dolla (rapper)
*Tega (rapper)
*Michael Jackson (King of Pop)
*Baatin (rapper)
*DJ AM (DJ)
*Roc Raider (DJ)
*Mr. Magic (DJ)

Rush Limbaugh: the spokesman for the black frame of mind... huh??

Well folks, he's back at it again! On Tuesday's "Rush Limbaugh Show", the right- winged radio talk show host weighed in on "the black frame of mind", which he insists is "terrible".

"Black unemployment is terrible. The black frame of mind is terrible. They are depressed. They're down, Obama's not doing anything for them. How's that hoax and change working for ya? They're livid. They thought there was going to be an exact 180 degree economic reversal, and it's done nothing but get bad for everybody, but they're especially upset about it because they look at him as one of them, and now they feel abandoned, and I'm sure Tiger Woods' choice of females not helping them out with their attitudes either".

Leave it to Rush Limbaugh to tie the issue of Tiger Woods' choice of white mistresses in with President Obama... Can we say grasping at straws?

Wow! I am not surprised that these statements are coming from a man like Rush Limbaugh. I am, however, surprised at the lengths that he would go to tarnish President Obama's name. As I sit here wondering, "when did Rush Limbaugh become the spokesman for the 'black frame of mind'", I cannot help but see some truth in what he is saying. I agree, the black state of mind is terrible, but not for any of the reasons that he has expressed. I believe that the black state of mind is terrible because a lot of us take no real interest in the state we are currently in. Thousands of African- Americans stood in line for hours awaiting the chance to vote for a change. We, as African- Americans, have created this image of Barack Obama and made him out to be some sort of a superhero who carries weapons of hope and change and destroys the evil republicans. Never once did it dawn on us that Barack Obama is not a superhero, he is human. Yes, he is the President of the United States, but we are the citizens. As citizens we have to be the hope and change we seek. As citizens, we have to assist our President in leading us to a better life. Voting was not the last stop on the train. So for all of those who have voted and then sat their asses right back on the couch instead of being front line in the fight for change, congratulations! You have succeeded in given Rush Limbaugh (and other's who think like him) all the ammunition needed to destroy our President's legacy and us as a people.

This is a call to all my fellow African Americans, there are issues in the world that stretch far beyond Nicki Minaj copying Lil' Kim or who Tila Tequila is starting a twitter beef with or getting the details of Jay- Z's exclusive birthday party. Those topics are entertaining, but while you are being entertained take a second to look around you. Are there people in your household who are without a job or without healthcare? Are there people in your household who are morbidly obese? Are there people in your household on their way overseas to assist in fighting a senseless war? Are there people in your household who couldn't afford to finish school or dropped out at a young age? Are there people in your household who have HIV/ AIDS? Are there people in your household whose sexuality won't legally allow them to get married? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, even if that person is you, that is all the more reason to get up and fight the good fight. The easiest solution is to blame the President, right? Isn't that what we did to Bush? But consider this notion, Bush didn't place himself in office (well, maybe the first time). And if you are sitting there reading this thinking, "I didn't put him there either", well that's the problem. Take a stand. If you don't make change happen, guess what, it won't!

And as far as Rush Limbaugh's outlandish connection of the "black frame of mind" and the current Tiger Woods fiasco, I believe what he was trying to insinuate is that their similarities are based on them both turning their backs on blacks. But it's still far fetched. Tiger is accused of being unfaithful. Infidelity is a common issue in all races. Men cheat. Women cheat. Famous people cheat. The bum on the corner chests. As a black woman, Tiger Woods choosing to have white mistresses does not bother me because Tiger never claims to be black anyway... not fully. So, if blacks are outraged, then Asians should be too. ;)

Click here to here full audio of Rush Limbaugh's talk show: http://HUFFPO.ST/cagm

Is it wrong to seek pleasure???

"I am an excitable person who understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." - Anais Nin

Anais Nin is a writer who wrote passionately about passion. Aborting all theories of what is "wrong" or what is "right". She discusses her passions and her yearning to feel passion without fear or ambiguity. It is as if she is putting a middle finger up to society screaming "take me as I am". Not fearing passion, but instead inviting it and all it's experiences, good and bad, in. After reading this quote from this brilliant writer, I started to wonder... is it wrong to seek pleasure?

What is so wrong about wanting to experience passion beyond being tied to others ideals? Why do those who choose to battle the "common" way of thinking become persecuted when they are only in search of personal enlightenment? Are all those who dare to think outside the box "heathens" or "whores"? What if they are just merely searching to experience life?...

Seeking pleasure almost certainly brings pain in the end because all good things do not last forever. This is truth. Pleasure does not equal fulfillment, but only temporary bliss. With that being said, it isn't hard to understand that those looking to seek a lifetime of pleasure only receive a life's worth of moments. Is it better to wait until you find the perfect representation of you in the form of the opposite (or in some cases same) sex to travel with you on your journey to pleasure to ensure the impact of less pain? In other words should one wait until they are married to start exploring? I say marriage because it is the common notion that marriage is a commitment of forever in a relationship.

I am starting to believe that sex before marriage is only considered "wrong" because the line between lust and love is so thin that it is almost impossible to receive an orgasm without catching a quick glimpse of what love could be. The feelings and emotions derived from a sexual experience (a really good one) are often so strong that logic becomes hazy. What was meant to be "just an experience" begins to feel like something you are willing to endure for a lifetime. This is the main reason why i oppose the theory of "friends with benefits".

I think that the "religious" believe sex before marriage is considered "wrong" because they insist their logic is supported by the Bible. (I say insist because I believe the Bible, like all other writings are for the reader to interpret not be told). In their eyes, marriage vows that you can only love one person, and that is whom you should lust for. Those feelings, that lust, should only be for the one you love and your passion should be suppressed for the common good.

I am truly interested in is the feelings connected to sex. Is this the feeling that the "pleasure seekers" search for? The feeling of bliss and peace that comes in the form of an orgasm. Is that where the fears of the "upright" reside? In an orgasm that makes your mind, heart and body (if only for one second) become one with the world? All senses experiencing at the highest level. All control lost from your grasp as you do nothing but simply feel. Does the lost of control equate to a fear of pleasure?

What makes this all so difficult for me to comprehend is that once orgasm is reached, reality slowly settles back in between the heavy breathing. What a person might have thought was enlightenment becomes just another name on a list of lovers.

Words passionately spoken between lovers in the heat of the moment are hardly remembered after. I've come to know that that is the sum of lust.

The thing that separates love from lust is the words passionately spoken between lovers, when in love, still lingers afterward in the form of a touch, a kiss, a smile.

I believe that lust is just the out of body expression of love, when in love. When not in love, lust is just a sneak peek of what could be. It makes one yearn to discover and conquer the love they were so lucky to have had a glance of during sex. But sex is not love and love is not sex. Not completely inseparable, but far from being identical.

*Editor's note: I struggled writing this blog because I found myself debating morality with myself. I would like to be known as a free spirit, but I cannot entirely agree with those who are. In my experience pleasure and pain, just like love and sex come in pairs. In both cases you can experience one without the other, but the experience is lack luster. I don't believe that there is a "wrong" or "right" in this issue. Anais Nin was someone trying to make the most of life and it's experiences by seeking "the marvelous". That was her way of dealing with life. In a lot of ways I understand her yearning for more than what is offered, but I cannot agree with her methods entirely because in the end she did end up heartbroken by her many lovers. But she did not regret nor did she feel shame. She just lived.

Good Hair!!!

With the release of Chris Rock's documentary entitled "Good Hair", i've decided to write another post (since I haven't updated in a while). When I first heard about this movie and what it was going to be about, I was very excited to see it. A movie that talks about black women and the personal ties they have to their hair is a movie for me! But what i've noticed is that a movie that was intended to be a humored view of black women became a very touchy subject instead. A lot of black women have gone on the defensive citing such things as it "belittles us" and even called it "embarrassing". I'm not one of those women. I think that the movie was very funny and very true, I didn't take it so seriously.

I am a fan of black hair products and a lover of weave. A lot of my friends sometimes believe that the amount of weaves I have worn is ridiculous! They find it ridiculous because there really is no reason for me to wear weaves. I have long hair. In fact, it is almost at the center of my back. My defense is my hair is too thick and too stubborn to do what it is told. If I tell it to lay straight, it flips. If I bump it under, by the end of the day it curls upright. I am grateful that I have a beautiful head of hair, but I am more grateful for a weave. A weave listens. If I say stay, It stays. It can be any length, color or texture I choose without causing any damage to my real hair. In fact I thank a weave because if not for it, my hair probably would be very damaged due to the amount of work that I have to do to it just to get the look I am going for.

I believe that hair makes the look. If I want to be sophisticated, I throw in a ponytail (yes, I even purchase ponytails). If I want to be wet and wild, I buy a wet and wavy weave. They say blond's have more fun and if I want to find out for myself I throw in a blond weave. Weave is a miracle worker! For instance, if I wear a plain white T- shirt and jeans everyday, a fly hair style will surely bring out the best of that simple outfit. Hair makes the look. To me it is a better accessory than jewelery or even that perfect shoe.

The point I am trying to make is, it is only hair! Calm down! Even if it isn't yours, if it makes you happy then by all means proceed. After all life is too short to be anything but.

my real hair...

... and my beloved weave

Does Monogamy Still Exist Or Is It So 2008???

For the longest time I have wanted to write a blog about relationships.  Relationships are constant conversation amongst me and my girlfriends. All we need is a little wine to get the ball rolling and no topic is off limits. We talk about sex, love, friendships and all the encompasses the term relationship.  But what I have noticed is that a female's ideal of what a relationship is has become jaded. A lot of females have just gotten used to settling for what they can get. I will admit that I was once guilty of that. But now- a- days it seems like a women has only two choices: settle or be lonely. I have yet to decide which one is worse.

I have a friend who doesn't believe in monogamy. She explains herself by saying, "why should I practice monogamy when niggas don't believe in it. I don't 'do' relationships and that's how I protect my heart".  Now I want to make sure to tell you that even though she is not monogamous doesn't mean she "sleeps around", it just means she doesn't claim anyone or allows anyone to claim her. As she expressed her thoughts on the subject, I nodded my head in agreement. I can say that no man that I was in a relationship with has cheated, but then I would be lying. But do all females feel that way?

Thinking that this conversation had become biased, I searched for a male point of view. I asked one of my closet male friends his opinion on monogamy. With the wit that only he has, he replied, "I would like to say yes, for my girl's sake, but I don't know. I always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and maybe one day I will try to find out. But trust and believe my girl is probably staring at that same grass too". Although I appreciated the honesty in his response, I couldn't believe it. Him and his girl have been together for 2 years, why would he wonder about the other side or speculate that she might be wondering too?

Yesterday I watched "Why did I get Married (The Play)" and the topics got me asking myself a lot of questions. If monogamy no longer exists, then who is to blame? They always say "do your part because if you don't then someone else would", but is that always the reason or is that the excuse?

Personally, I believe that if the love and the connection is there then the relationship can survive. But it can not survive with wandering eyes. People today are just overwhelmed with too many choices and they look for traits in another person that they cannot find in someone else. (Exactly why that Pleasure P song "Boyfriend #2 irritates me). I also believe that some people are just not built to be monogamous *kanye shrug*

Being single, I have come to terms with being "lonely". Sometimes it's good and sometimes it sucks major ass (but only on cold nights). But it has allowed me the chance to figure out who I am and what I would like to receive in a relationship or if I even want a relationship at all. There is far to much "settling" going around and it is mostly because of the fear of being lonely. But it is hard for me to adjust to the thought that what I can receive from a relationship is only what I allow myself to see, while overlooking the honest truth that the essence of good relationships probably no longer exist.

hmmm... i wonder...

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Now im sure most of you saw the madness that is the MTV 2009 Video Music Awards. I was excited to watch it because I just knew the performances and the Micheal Jackson tribute would be the highlights of the show. Judging from the opening of the show,  it appeared as if it was going to be good. Madonna gave one of the most touching speeches about Micheal Jackson ive heard thus far. Janet Jackson's tribute to her brother made me shed a tear.  But what I did not expect was Kanye West's improptu speech during Taylor Swift's acceptence speech.

Now for those who did not watch, here is a brief run down. The first award to be given out was "best female video". The nominees were Beyoncé (single ladies/ put a ring on it), Katy perry (hot &cold), Lady GaGa (poker face), Pink (so what), Kelly Clarkson (my life would suck without you) and Taylor Swift (you belong with me). To my astonishnent, teen country music sensation Taylor Swift won the award. But appearantly I was not the only one confused. When Taylor went up on stage to accept her very first moonman (video music awrad) and give her acceptance speech, she was bombarded by Kanye West who took it upon himself to express his feelings. Kanye goes on to say, "Congratulations Taylor.  I'mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time".  *blank stare* WHAT?

I must admit that I am a bit biased in this situation. I really dont know enough about Taylor Swift's music (and i admittedly have not seen one video) to know whether or not she deserved the award. What I do know is that Beyoncé's "single ladies (put a ring on it)" was one of the most imitated videos on youtube to date. But all of that is irrelevant at this point. From the moment Kanye said what he said he was labeled "an asshole". But is he really?

I feel some empathy for Taylor Swift because she appeared to be so excited to win her first Video Music Award, only to have her bubble bursted by Kanye West on national television. But in all honesty, I dont think Kanye's rant was directed toward Taylor, I believe it was directed toward MTV (Taylor just happened to be the one that won). For a few years in a row, a lot of the VMA winners have been very suspect. Those who I assumed would win, were dupped by artist who had better sales (or better PR reps). If you familiar with Mr. West then his actions would shock you, but if you are, it was Kanye just being Kanye. I believe "improptu" is his middle name.

Unfortunately for Kanye, him being himself may have caused some serious backlash. MTV put him and his date (the lovely Ms. Amber Rose) out and canceled his performance. The social network Twitter was up in arms over what he said even suggesting that his later apology was fake. (It baffles me that people judge apologies).  Some believe that what Kanye did was bad for black people (ummm... okay). Some also believe that what Kanye West did was the equivalent to Senator Wilson calling President Obama a "liar" during the National Press Conference (whoa. that's a stretch). It also didnt help matters that President Obama later called him an "asshole". I believe a lot of people are really upset with Kanye because of his timing, not so much over what he did.

Now here is my question to you: Is it okay to express your feelings whenever and wherever you feel them? Is there a time and place for everything?

My personality doesn't allow me to accept what I believe in my heart is wrong. I pride myself on being able to call out bulshit and their keepers when and where ever I see them appear. I do not disagree with what Kanye said at all because he expressed exactly what I was thinking at that same moment, however I do disagree with the way he choose to express his feelings.

Just another example of "when keeping it real goes wrong".

(By the way: Kudos to Beyoncé for making a bad situation better and allowing Taylor Swift her time to shine. You're a class act Bey!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1reS1QEt1jg <---- click this link to see the full spectacle.

*picture provided by: justjared.buzznet.com

Have you taken the time to read the book, or do you just look at the cover??

I am very fond of social networks and blogging. It allows me the chance to communicate and share thoughts with friends and strangers alike. I suppose everyone with internet access feels that their opinions and thoughts are relevant and should be shared. That's somewhat understandable. What I can not understand is the vicious and insulting comments made amongst one another on the web. So much negativity can be found online now- a- days. True meaning of "A gift and a curse".

What is the difference between "hating" and "constructive critism"? Personally, I do not like the terms "hating" or "hater". I feel  it is overused. Some people who can not take constructive critism or the hard truth, use that term to justify themselves. But, what truly separates "hating" from "constructive cristism" is the motive behind it. Is it coming from a good place?


I consider myself to be a "watcher". The term "watcher" describes my personality around people. I pay very close attention to the people around me (with or without a sober mind). As I watch people, although i am not in the very best position, i judge them. These judgments are not necessarily negative, but more times than not they are.

*Some of my judgmental ways stem from my family. I grew up with people who made it their business to express all thoughts (both positive and negative)

I judge based on upkeep. I judge people for what i consider to have "project mentalities" (be small minded); the way they raise their children, the way they handle relationships with men/ women, their lack of education, ignorance, etc. I would secretly vow to myself that "I would never be like them". I won't lie, a part of me distanced myself mentally from them (although I would still hang out with them) because I did think I was better than them. But what I know for a fact is once I got to know them individually (as opposed to placing them all in the same box), I've come to realize that we all had similarities in our past and present. In fact, we really weren't that much different at all. A lot of the people that I was so quick to write off are some of my closet friends to date.

After that revelation, I started to think about why is it a human instinct of mine (and others) to "judge a book by it's cover", never concerning oneself with the contents inside. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. It really makes no sense to judge people without knowing who they are or what they stand for. It baffles me how some people's sole purpose is to bring another person down. I am reminded of a friend who once told me "being negative comes natural. It gives people a false sense of maturity and growth. It is positivity that takes effort, but you shall be rewarded in the end". Hmmm... interesting way to look at it.


When I read blogs from people like Tameka Foster Raymond (Usher Raymond's ex- wife), I can sympathize with her. No, I do not no the inner workings of her life or relationship (and I truly could care less), but I do know what it feels like to be judged. And she has been judged plenty. People (celeb bloggers and their commentators mostly) make assumptions about her life without knowing her, and this is something that she has to deal with on a daily basis. Can you imagine??

Celebrities are constantly under a microscope and examined piece by piece. But they often don't receive sympathy because most people feel as if "it comes with the territory".

But what about us everyday, average folk? Should we all naturally expect negativity? Yes, I know the old saying "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words would never hurt me", but I don't think that that is always the case. Physically words cant hurt you, but mentally it can fuck you up (if you feed into it). You can be the strongest person with the most confidence, but some things can still effect you.

I've dealt with this issue on both ends (being the one that's judged and being the one doing the judging). What I have learned is that "judging" is inevitable, there is no getting around being judged or making judgments (even if they are unintentional).


You cant change people, but you can change yourself (and hope everyone else follows suit)...

...I am still a work in progress.

"Don't hate.. Hate is easy... Love takes courage" -Rev Run

Racism in 2009... really??

For the first time in U.S. history, a black man has won the highest office in the land. Finally the country will accept change far beyond allowing a lot more rap music in white American households. This country will be willing to have the “uncomfortable” race talk, and work to find solutions to of issues in prejudices. That was the hope on November 4th, 2008, yet racial tensions and misunderstandings remain the abiding subtexts of many of our national conversa¬tions.


It is naïve to assume that racial issues would somehow disappear with the election of President Obama. But it has somehow become a ridiculous notion to believe that racial tensions would settle and maybe phase out. Unfortunately, within the past few month race has been the front line issue on national news stations and most conversations. What is more bothersome is that issues of race have somehow distracted the common goal of all Americans (i.e. fair healthcare, education and a balanced economy).


Ignorance and the refusal to except change have led to fear- motivated comments and actions. Not allowing a group of black kids to swim at a day camp pool in Pennsylvania, opposing Judge Sotomayer’s recommendation for Supreme Court Justice, and now insisting that President Obama is racist against white people are all symptoms of fear of change. It makes one wonder, as much as things change, they often stay the same. It is interesting that people fear change, when the status quo as proved to be unsuccessful.


A lot of people are unaware of the underlying (and often blatant) racism. Other cultures have fused their way into everyday American life. With hip hop seeping into white communities, rock and roll seeping into black communities and the success of “Slumdog Millionaire”; it is hard to understand why some people are so outright opposed to accepting that America is a diverse nation.


Racial issues have become a strong factor in political agendas. “Mud- slinging” has ensued and sides are being taken. The connection made amongst Americans on the night of November 4th, 2008 almost seems to be nonexistent. We know from history, that when a group of people are being antagonized and pushed into a corner, they fight their way out. They fight for their civil rights, but are Americans truly ready for a Race War?


“Cant we all just get along” is proving to be a lot more easily said than done.

*All pictures provided by chicagotribune.com

Have You Seen My Childhood?

Enjoying a beautiful day at a local NYC neighborhood park with my nephews, I decided to log on to my twitter account (via blackberry) to inform my followers of what I was doing. It was then when I seen an update posted by Perez Hilton stating that Micheal Jackson had a massive heart attack. I immediately, without a second thought text messaged my God- sister (a devoted MJ fan) the information I had just read. Not long after, I checked twitter again to see if anyone else had information on the status of Micheal Jackson. Not getting the information I was looking for, I rushed my nephews back into the house to watch the news. When I got to the house, I logged on to my twitter account from a laptop and watched the news hoping for the best. For the 1st hour, twitter (as well as the media) went back and forth between death and coma, until finally they announced on June 25th, 2009 Micheal Jackson was gone...

All the air left from my body as I heard my God- sister crying in agony. Tears began to form in my eyes, but I tried my hardest to contain myself because my nephews are only three and four years old, and I didnt think that they would understand. They asked me why their mom was so sad, and I responded, "... because Micheal Jackson is in Heaven now". The eldest of the two said, "is he in Heaven with Great- Grandma?". I said, "yes baby, he is with Great- Grandma". And with the wit that only children his age have he responded, "then mommy shouldnt cry because he's happy now... no more pain". I agreed. No more pain.

I would like everyone to understand why the lost of Micheal Jackson touched my heart. It stretches beyond the music... I felt as if I have lost my childhood. Granted I was born in 1986 (by then he had already had success with the Jackson Five, as well as two smash solo albums) I still grew up listening to his music. My Father was a huge Micheal Jackson fan. During his lifetime he prided himself on owning vinyl copies of Off the Wall and Thriller. My mother even joked that I was conceived while "Lady in my Life" played in the background. (i know... TMI).

My father had taped the Motown 25 special and owned Moonwalker. I have probably watched the Moonwalker tape over 1000 times! By the time I was four I knew the entire first three albums (with the help of my God- sister, who still owns every MJ button and poster she made in her pre-teen years). My God- sister introduced me to songs like "PYT" and her all time favorite "Baby Be Mine". When she and her sisters had to babysit my cousins and I, they used to turn off all the lights and play just the end of "thriller" to scare us straight when we didnt listen (cruel). As we grew older my cousins and I would have karaoke nights and perform all Micheal Jackson songs.

By the time I was 5 yrs old, the "Remember the Time" video had premiered and I had my father tape it so that I knew every step. I was determined to become a dancer if it killed me. I was intrigued at a young age by the performances (ie. Dirty Diana live). When "Keep it in the closet" came out, I decided right then and there that I loved Micheal Jackson. That video had both my idols (at the time) in it and to this day remains one of my most beloved videos. When I was old enough to realize that Micheal and Janet Jackson were related, it was no turning back... I was IN love.

For my 8th birthday my father purchased a portable CD player. The first two CD's I recieved were TLC's "CrazySexyCool" and Micheal Jackson's "History". Those Cd's were my theme music as I rollerbladed all over Brooklyn with my dad on the days that he did not have to go to dialysis. I was probably the only child at that age who had "The Girl is Mine" on repeat. My devotion for Micheal wasnt really an obsession (unlike my God- sister), but more of admiration because even at such a young age, I felt the impact of his music. I felt it in me.

I was to young to connect scandal to the man and I must admit that I truly never payed any attention to the face or skin changes until I was old enough to realize that his face and skin did indeed change. I only heard the music. I consider me being that naive a blessing because it allowed me to enjoy the music. Over the years, as I got older and the scandals got bigger I fought on his behalf, never allowing anyone to say things like, "from a black man to a white woman" or "wacko jacko" or "child molester". Micheal was as good as family in my eyes and I only wanted to see the good.

I remember the first songs that my cousin's twins, as well as my God- sister's kids, learned were Micheal Jackson songs. (the twins: "You rock my world", my nephews: "Dont stop til you get enough"). The first dance that I cheoreographed was to "Invincible" from the "Invicible" album. My dance teacher even allowed me, along with two other girls, to perform it at my high school spring recital. Now it wasnt the best dance ever, but it was mine and it was to Micheal's music.

Now I can go on and on for days and days about Micheal Jackson memories, but Micheal means alot to me because he meant alot to my dad. My father passed away in 2001, and honoring Micheal, to me, is just another way to honor my father.

Although I try to avoid the negativity surrounding the loss of Micheal Jackson, I often find myself becoming an advocate for MJ. I just would like you all to know that I understand that Micheal Jackson does not mean alot to some people, but for the rest of us, espeacially the Jackson family, he is forever embedded in our hearts. And although he is not family to me, he has been there through every phase of my childhood with a soundtrack to each phase of my life.

Just allow Micheal Jackson to truly rest in peace... "gone to soon".

Sailing On

I should warn you reader that there is no real outline for what I am about to say. For the past couple of weeks my mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts.

I'm 22 years old (soon to be 23) and I have no idea what that means. I know that I am way beyond that "not a girl, not yet a woman" phase in life, but I am truly debating if I am a woman now.

What (besides the obvious) would make me a woman? Is it to ambixous to try and become a woman at my age? Should I let it naturally evolve?

I graduated high school 5 years ago. Not to sound as if I am hitting my midlife crisis (I understand that I am far from that), but in 5 years what have I accomplished?? And for the next 5 years, what would I like to accomplish?

Currently, I find myself unhappy. Not unhappy with myself, but just unhappy. I started reading books and taking to heart spiritual quotes and passages that I feel are talking directly to me. But I stopped because the pressure of living up to what is written scares me. It's one thing to read a spiritual quote or passage, but it's another thing to live up to it's words.

Some people make growing up look so easy, but I'm having a difficult time with it. Responsibility sucks! And I was ill equiped to deal with it. I was spoiled all my life and one day that well ran dry.

I often try not to feel sorry for myself, but bottling in these conflicting thoughts and feelings saddens me. Don't get me wrong, I am far from depressed! I have a wonderful large family and great friends, but those things are not as fulfilling as one would expect them to be.
I feel like there is a void in my life and I don't know exactly where to begin to fill it up. But it is a feeling I can't shake.

I am sharing these feelings because I want reassurance that I am not the only one who is feeling or has felt this way at some point. Also, I would like some suggestions from those of you who understand. How did you get through this? Is this feeling of wanting more ever defeatable? Or when we get everything that we ever wanted do we still crave more?

But, as my mother's child, I am determined to get through whatever it is I am going through. If I am nothing else I am strong and I will sail on and trust that the Lord leads me in the right direction for the right destination.

"Though you may limp or be bent double, do not abandon your search, but drag yourself towards it." -Sufism

Can't Help But Wonder...

It's funny how time changes situations...

When I was younger, there was a boy (who I will refer to as HE) that I was deeply infatuated with. HE was my cousin's best friend. From the first time I saw HE, I liked him. HE was different, carrying himself in a bubble of self- confidence. HE was twelve and I was in love. Unfortuately for me, HE didn't at all feel the same way. I, at times, felt that HE went out of his way to make sure that I knew that.

I used to conveniently end up at my cousin's house everytime I knew that HE was visiting from New York. Still, HE paid me no attention. My cousin and HE used to tease, and terrorize me constantly. Yet, I always wanted to be around them. I was somewhat fascinated by their personalities. It also fascinated me that at 11 and 12 years old, they were already having sex. I was a "good girl" then, so having sex was completely out of the question (not 2 mention we were 12 years old!). Knowing that this crush was probably heading no where, I got over it. Quickly.

Fast forward four years, still the same or similar treatment from HE. By this time I could've cared less because I made up my mind that him and I weren't meant to be. We would see eachother everytime he came to visit, but had minimal to none contact or conversation. Then one night, at another cousin's graduation party, me and HE ended up being the only ones in the basement and HE kissed me completely out of the blue. My best friend was coming down stairs, so me and HE hid in the closet... one thing led to another... and...

I always ponder about that night, because everything happened so fast and I didn't even like him. I did feel comfortable with him, but I think a part of me wanted to know why. Why did it only take a smile? Why were so many girls on him? More years passed in which we probably had one more encounter, but things between us didn't stretch past the status quo. We went back to seeing eachother here and there. I graduated and went to college. HE went back to New York and my cousin was in his senior year of High School. That made the visits go from being frequent to far and few and eventually non- existant.

Out of the blue, HE called me while I was away at school and told me that he was expecting a child and was engaged. "What... you???", was my initial response. I didnt believe it. For as long as I could remember my cousin and HE had crazy encounters with females. Alot of females!!!! ( I know because I was there). Now HE decides that he has ran through so many, that settling down is the next and best decision. Someone forgot to tell his girl that because none of that happened. HE end up having to deal with alot of shit. Custody battles. Orders of Protection. Jail.

Moving back to New York, HE became a frequent contact just because I knew him. Slowly, but surely I became the "ear" for all his problems to be heard. I commended him on being and making certain that he is there for his child. At the same time, I kept my distance. Another year of no contact and then I stumbled across his number about three weeks ago. I called and HE just happen to be with his son and invited me to spend the day with them.

I must admit that I never once took him seriously. Once I convinced myself that I didnt like HE, I also convinced myself that he was a jackass. It made it easier. But spending that day with HE and his son made me realize that I don't know HE at all. It was sweet and cute. That was also the first time we spoke... really spoke. Even after HE dropped his son off, we spoke.

We spoke about our past together and seperately. We told stories and laughed and laughed. We even tried to put a title on our "relationship" (which is still in question). Recently, I have moved and since the first day that i've moved HE has been here. Sometimes even three times a day. Weird, right? And when I tell my closet friends (even my cousin) about HE, they all tell me that it is probably meant to be.

I am convinced that HE and I are just FRIENDS. It has taken alot for us to even get this far. At times it is strange because it is new, but the more I learn about him, the more I appreciate him for who he is. But I doubt that it'll be anything past a friendship.

But apart of me can't help but wonder...

Aren't Niggas Tired Yet???

Yesterday, after getting off of work, I checked my myspace. I haven't been on there in a while and I figured I probably had a few messages (especially since I am without a phone right now). Just as I thought, I had comments and messages from my friends in Baltimore. Every comment and message informed me that last Wednesday one of my homeboys was killed in a carry out. Shot in the head while picking up his food.

I sat and stared at my computer for a few moments just stuck. My family was laughing and talking behind me amongst themselves unaware of what I just read. I was at a lost for words because I didn't know what to say or do. As soon as I gathered myself, I quickly ran to get a phone and started calling everyone who left a number to be contacted for further information of the situation. After the initial, "Bitch, why da fuck can't niggas reach u?", conversations, They told me what happened.

Losing this particular person comes at a crazy time in my life. I'm dealing with a lot of drama (family and money stress mostly)... and now he's dead. I must admit we weren't that close, but we hung out every weekend at one point in my life. He was around when I was living the best life. Drinking, smoking and clubbing with my niggas. Going to the club 20+ deep, starting fights and getting kicked out only to go back and do the same thing all over again the next weekend. Sounds stupid now, but at 19 years old (without any real responsibilities) I didn't think life could be better than that.

Three years ago, I was at work and received a phone call informing that two of the guys I was closet to were shot and killed the night before. I lost it. I went crazy on my job, because I couldn't believe that. Everyone that I have lost before that (ie. my father, my grandparents) were sick and old and were dying. I had a chance to prepare. They didn't just die.

It was awhile before I really got over losing my "brothers". I developed a bond with them (as well as the others). They helped shaped me into the confident, "take no prisoners" girl that I am today. I stopped hanging out in Baltimore as much, not because I was scared, but I didn't really think that was a positive lifestyle. Then a year later I moved back to New York. Currently I'm trying to better my life. But I kept in touch with a few of them because it's love there. I'd ask about some of the others only to here that they involved in the same shit.

My question is, at what age do niggas start straightening out there lives? I'm 22 years old now. I done partied for days straight and thumped on chicks just because (being youngminded) . But I'm 22 years old now. I'm over that. I'm trying to get a career going before I reach 25. Maybe its an attainable goal, maybe not. But it's a goal. These streets aren't for a lifetime, they end lives short. No questions asked. Yeah these guys did dirt, but they weren't bad people. They were family orientated, they were loyal, good hearted, good spirited people... that couldn't stay the fuck off the block.

How many niggas have to die for other niggas to get the picture????


*Rest In Peace:

Adrian "Aye" Holliday

Anthony "T.J" Taylor Jr.

Anthony "Animal" Bailey